A Vent

Tonight I don't even care about my font or color. I need to vent and I really don't need negative comments, this is just a place for me to get this out without going out of my ever-loving mind.
So the past couple of days, Matt has had nothing but attitude...not towards the kids...just towards me. I don't know why. But tonight it all came to a head. He says it's ALL me, and that it's all my fault, and that I need my anti-depressant upped. I beg to differ vehemently.
I am so sick to death of being told for the past 10 years that because I'm bipolar, everything is my fault because I'm "crazy". What a total cop out and a load of crap and way to push off the personal accountability on to someone else. Everything I have said in the past 2 days, has been reacted to with attitude, malicious, hateful answers. I'm not even going into details about arguments or whatever. Most of them are the tiniest things that he blows totally out of proportion immediately. I don't know if it's the testosterone gel, HIS anti-depressant isn't high enough or what. I have been very cautious as to how I ask him things, say things to him, or answer him in every way. And yet I get yelled at for an hour about how I'm crazy and HE went and got help and now *I* need to do the same. As if he's some freaking saint because after THREE YEARS of putting up with HIS BS, he FINALLY went and got medicated. Oh and the BEST part?! He could have done this a YEAR ago. But NO. He waited until the DAY I DECIDED TO LEAVE HIM AND TAKE THE KIDS WITH ME! Way to play on my emotions, knowing I'd stay around to take care of him. Why? Because I'm a care-taker. Because I'm an idiot. Because I'm a glutton for punishment, apparently.
Oh and the kicker?! Because I did laundry and dishes today, went without enough sleep for the sake of our kids being able to take advantage of a snow day to go sledding, I'm suddenly MANIC. ::insert laugh with an eyeroll here:: Oh, I'm sorry....I forgot that the mice and birds were going to come in the house tonight while I am sleeping and take care of it for me! How thoughtless of me! I should have left it so it'd get done all by itself. Because the dishes were going to grow arms and legs and wash themselves and the clothes were suddenly going to become animated and put themselves in the washer and dryer and fold themselves. Oh yeah! SILLY ME!!!! Oh wait, no, I'm just freaking manic. I couldn't POSSIBLY just be doing every day housework that went left undone yesterday because I hurt and NO ONE ELSE was going to get off his ass and do it! Noooo, that's soooooo silly!!
So yeah, I'm fed up, pissed off, angry, hurt, and just ARGH!
Like I said, no negative comments necessary. I know what most of you have to say anyways. You've told me before and I don't need or want to hear it again. Not tonight. It's been a bad enough night without being made to feel guilty because I don't just uproot my kids and leave and totally disrupt their lives in the middle of a school year for Peanut...oh yeah, with no income or money to speak of or no vehicle. (Don't ask about the vehicle. That's a whole other ball of wax I'm just NOT getting into. Yet another screwed up mess Matt's gotten us into.)
Ok, rant over. I just needed to get it off my chest...shoulders...mind. whatever.

We Survived!!

Wow!! We survived the ice and snow storm of 2011! lol Nathaniel will have his third day off in a row, for school, tomorrow. We got a ton of ice here. It was unreal to stand on the porch and just watch it come down and freeze immediately. You could stand there and just listen to all the branches and large limbs cracking and falling to the ground around the neighborhood. Our own tree, in the backyard, lost several smaller limbs. The duplex on the corner lost a huge limb from their tree. The ice just weighed everything down! And before I could get out there to take pictures, the weather "warmed up" enough that we just had regular rain and it melted away all of the ice from the power lines and trees! It's still very icy on the snow though!
We were lucky to not lose power, but 44,000 others in our county weren't as lucky...my inlaws are ones that lost power Tuesday night around 9pm. As of this afternoon, they still didn't have power so they were packing up and heading to my SIL's house to stay. MIL has work in the morning and SIL's place is close to MIL's work. So they're there, nice & warm now.
I was hoping to take the kids out to play in the snow tomorrow. It depends on how icy it still is. I don't want anyone falling & getting hurt.
I hope all of my friends out there, who were hit by this storm are safe and warm!

Crisis in Egypt is Disturbing

Is anyone paying attention to the crisis in Egypt right now?? Their president has been president for 29 years. He's in his 80's and he's the only president a lot of Egyptians have ever known. And they are unhappy, to say the least, with the direction of their government. There have been major protests against the government over the weekend, leading to several deaths. At last count I heard, it was just over 70. Protesting has led to rioting, people starting fires and becoming violent. The people are asking for the President to step down from his role to allow someone who has the interest of the people at heart.
What I find MOST disturbing is that, instead of listening to the voices of the people, the government opted to shut down cell phone services and internet, to stop the protesters from being able to communicate. Is this really a route that ANY government should be able to take?? I find it extremely frightening that they would do such a thing.
And I know that  it has been said that President Obama would shut down the internet in the event of terror attacks on the US. http://news.cnet.com/8301-13578_3-10320096-38.html
But what about this...what if our citizens got fed up with OUR government and started protesting, as the Egyptians have? Would our President then shut down OUR modes of communication? This is such a slippery slope, people, to give one person that power. I think it is wrong, wrong, wrong!!!! What happened to WE THE PEOPLE and freedom of speech? Is this not a way for government to shut us up? I do not like this idea at all! Does our government forget that WE THE PEOPLE put them in their positions, and that WE THE PEOPLE can yank them out of it if they don't do their job??
We are very rapidly losing our freedoms and rights in this country. And here is just another example, if we step out of line....err, or voice our disgust with government.
Egypt is just the beginning, folks. Is this next for America? You may think not. But don't put that much trust in our officials. They have proven to be untrustworthy over and over again, on both sides of the line.
Just my thoughts for the day. Happy Monday to you all!

State of the Union Opinion

I was not impressed with anything President Obama had to say in tonight's State of the Union Address. He spoke of cutting costs...yet for two years has spent, spent, spent, without anyone reigning him or his party in. I cannot wait for his final two years to be through. I am so hoping the Republican party comes up with a major contender to go against him at reelection time.
Okay, that's it. That's all I had to say. lol

Changes on the Horizon?

So Matt saw a family doctor on Wednesday, for the first time in our entire marriage. They are running some blood work to check on certain things. And the doctor put him on Paxil. He goes back in 2 weeks to discuss lab results and how he's doing on the Paxil at that point. This is his 3rd day of taking the Paxil and he said he already feels less on edge and less irritable. Not happy, per se, but not so easily angered. So perhaps it's going to work for him? I sure hope so! I like tehe changes I'm seeing in him already. Some of it a conscious decision to choose his words more wisely and an effort to not be so quick to anger. With the boys, especially, he needs to let the little things go.
So I'm very happy with the changes in him, thusfar. I just hope he continues to improve and that this isn't a temporary thing to appease me and keep me & the kids from leaving him. Because that's the point things are at. They change or we split.
So continued prayers would be appreciated! Thank you!

Trouble in Paradise

So things haven't been "good" between Matt & I for a long while now. And it's finally to the point where things HAVE to change or there will be no more Matt & I.
I won't go in to all the gory details. Just that we've each been going through our own troubles and now it's make or break it time.
I don't wish these types of troubles on anyone. They have been heartwrenching. In some aspects it would probably be best if we went our separate ways now, rather than later. But I can't make myself let go just yet. A part of me wants to keep fighting for my family.
Then there's another part of me that is so sick of the fighting and arguing and strife, and wants to just be done with it all, find my own way, find love.
Tonight's blog is going to be short. I'm so torn right now. If you read this and pray, please pray. For me, Matt, our family. For us to do right by our children, no matter what direction life takes us.

Back to Every Day Life

It's so sad to send Peanut off to school again. I don't think 2 weeks is long enough for Christmas break. I just love spending time with my kids. I hate when the breaks come to an end. I'd love to homeschool him but he really likes school and doesn't want to, so I won't force him. I just want to spend as much time with my kiddos as humanly possible. They're kids for such a little time, in the grand scheme of things. I'm greedy with my time with them. I guess I could have worse faults! haha

So Peanut's at school already this morning. Ben's sitting next to me, playing Peanut's DS. And I just put Amanda back to sleep. When I lay her down, I hold her close to me, and talk quietly to her, telling her it's night night time (no matter the time of day/night) and that she needs to lay down and go to sleep. It's amazing...she lays down, allows me to cover her up with a thin blanket, and stays still. It's so neat to watch her fall asleep. She just lays there, quietly, looking around, or just looking forward, awaiting sleep to overtake her. She's such a little Angel sent from Heaven. I just can't get enough of her. I was the same way with the boys too. I kissed them constantly, held them, cuddled with them and just basically loved all over them.
I love that the boys are the way they are now. But it's sad, too, to see those baby days pass by ever so quickly. Matt & I were talking, the other day, about how quickly the days seem to pass us today. When we were kids, it seemed like the days and years drug on and on. Our perspective changes so drastically, as we become adults.
By the way...

I hope ya'll had a wonderful New Year's! I can't exactly say mine was wonderful...at least not NYE, since Matt decided he wanted to argue the hour and a half before the new year, about stupid stuff. Other than that, my NYE was great, spending time with the kids. We had chocolate fondu with mini-oreos, mini-marshmellows, pretzels, graham crackers, and bananas. Yummy! Good stuff! We also had pizza rolls, but not with the fondu! LOL

We watched the ball drop together, the kids toasted with 50/50, while Matt & I toasted with cheap champagne, lol. Then NYD we went to Stephanie & Matt's house to have game day/night. Now THAT was fun! We played Apples to Apples & Pictionary, had dinner (lots of food!), and laughed a lot! The kids played a couple of kid-appropriate games and watched Toy Story 3 and ran around like a bunch of hooligans! Fun times! haha

I must get on with my day now! Enjoy your Monday in this new year!