Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A Vent

Tonight I don't even care about my font or color. I need to vent and I really don't need negative comments, this is just a place for me to get this out without going out of my ever-loving mind.
So the past couple of days, Matt has had nothing but attitude...not towards the kids...just towards me. I don't know why. But tonight it all came to a head. He says it's ALL me, and that it's all my fault, and that I need my anti-depressant upped. I beg to differ vehemently.
I am so sick to death of being told for the past 10 years that because I'm bipolar, everything is my fault because I'm "crazy". What a total cop out and a load of crap and way to push off the personal accountability on to someone else. Everything I have said in the past 2 days, has been reacted to with attitude, malicious, hateful answers. I'm not even going into details about arguments or whatever. Most of them are the tiniest things that he blows totally out of proportion immediately. I don't know if it's the testosterone gel, HIS anti-depressant isn't high enough or what. I have been very cautious as to how I ask him things, say things to him, or answer him in every way. And yet I get yelled at for an hour about how I'm crazy and HE went and got help and now *I* need to do the same. As if he's some freaking saint because after THREE YEARS of putting up with HIS BS, he FINALLY went and got medicated. Oh and the BEST part?! He could have done this a YEAR ago. But NO. He waited until the DAY I DECIDED TO LEAVE HIM AND TAKE THE KIDS WITH ME! Way to play on my emotions, knowing I'd stay around to take care of him. Why? Because I'm a care-taker. Because I'm an idiot. Because I'm a glutton for punishment, apparently.
Oh and the kicker?! Because I did laundry and dishes today, went without enough sleep for the sake of our kids being able to take advantage of a snow day to go sledding, I'm suddenly MANIC. ::insert laugh with an eyeroll here:: Oh, I'm sorry....I forgot that the mice and birds were going to come in the house tonight while I am sleeping and take care of it for me! How thoughtless of me! I should have left it so it'd get done all by itself. Because the dishes were going to grow arms and legs and wash themselves and the clothes were suddenly going to become animated and put themselves in the washer and dryer and fold themselves. Oh yeah! SILLY ME!!!! Oh wait, no, I'm just freaking manic. I couldn't POSSIBLY just be doing every day housework that went left undone yesterday because I hurt and NO ONE ELSE was going to get off his ass and do it! Noooo, that's soooooo silly!!
So yeah, I'm fed up, pissed off, angry, hurt, and just ARGH!
Like I said, no negative comments necessary. I know what most of you have to say anyways. You've told me before and I don't need or want to hear it again. Not tonight. It's been a bad enough night without being made to feel guilty because I don't just uproot my kids and leave and totally disrupt their lives in the middle of a school year for Peanut...oh yeah, with no income or money to speak of or no vehicle. (Don't ask about the vehicle. That's a whole other ball of wax I'm just NOT getting into. Yet another screwed up mess Matt's gotten us into.)
Ok, rant over. I just needed to get it off my chest...shoulders...mind. whatever.

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